We all like to think we’re good listeners—but let’s be honest: barriers to effective listening show up for all of us.
I’ve spent time with all kinds of teams, some that clicked instantly, others that stayed out of sync, and lots somewhere in the middle. And if there’s one thing I’ve seen consistently shape how teams work together (or don’t), it’s how we listen to each other.
Not “performative” listening.
Not “waiting-to-talk” listening.
But actually slowing down and trying to hear what someone is saying—not just the words, but the meaning, the emotion, and the need behind them.
And here’s the thing: that kind of listening is hard. I’ve caught myself failing at it more times than I can count. Whether I was rushing, tired, distracted, or trying to be helpful I’ve done all the things I now see as the biggest barriers to effective listening.
What I’ve learned through my work in human dynamics—and from being in the room with lots of different kinds of thinkers, leaders, and teams—is that these patterns are incredibly common. They’re not about being careless or unkind. They’re just human.
Let’s talk about a few of the barriers to listening that tend to show up most often, especially in group settings like meetings:
#1 Rehearsing
You know that moment when someone says, “Let’s go around and share a fun fact about ourselves”? And instead of hearing what anyone else says, your brain starts spinning: What should I say? What’s interesting but not too interesting? Do I mention I love the smell of dog paws… or play it safe with ‘I like dogs’?
That’s rehearsing.
When I’m feeling anxious or unsure (maybe that’s all of the time), I catch myself tuning out just enough to start planning what I’m going to say when it’s my turn. It’s a way of staying safe—of trying to sound prepared, thoughtful, clear.
But when everyone’s doing that, it stops being a conversation. It becomes a string of prepared responses instead of real listening.
Tip: Notice when your attention shifts from the speaker to yourself. Try anchoring your focus by choosing one thing to listen for—something surprising, something that sparks curiosity, or something you want to ask more about. It’s a small shift that makes space for real presence.
#2 Placating
On the surface, this looks like support—smiles, nods, “totally,” “yupp.” But sometimes it’s just a way of moving the conversation along without digging in.
I’ve placated when I’ve felt too tired or unsure of what to say, when I wanted to avoid discomfort, or during the last meeting on a Friday of a busy week. And I’ve been on the receiving end too—it feels like you’ve been acknowledged, but not really heard.
Tip: Instead of defaulting to agreement, ask a curious follow-up. Try “Can you say more about that?” or “What makes you feel that way?” It shows you’re engaged without jumping past what’s being shared.
#3 Advising
This is a big one for me. I care deeply about people, and when someone shares a challenge, my instinct is often to jump in with suggestions or fixes. “Have you tried…?” “What if you just…”
Sometimes that’s useful. But a lot of the time, people aren’t looking for advice—they just want someone to sit beside them in the hard thing for a minute. When we rush to solve, we can miss the moment of connection that helps someone feel supported.
Tip: Before offering a solution, ask: “Do you want support, or just someone to listen?” This small question creates space and lets the other person lead the direction of the conversation.
#4 Identifying
This one’s really common, especially in caring, relational teams. Someone shares something vulnerable or meaningful, and before they’ve even finished, someone else jumps in with, “That happened to me too!” or “Oh, I totally get it—when I went through…”
It’s usually meant to build a connection. But it can come across as a bit of a one-upper, even when that’s the furthest thing from what we mean. The focus shifts, often unintentionally, and the person who was sharing ends up feeling like their moment got overshadowed.
I’ve done this a lot—usually when I’m trying to relate or offer comfort. It’s me saying, you’re not alone. But I’ve also felt that moment when I’ve shared something hard, and suddenly it’s about someone else’s experience instead of mine. Even when the intention is good, it can leave people feeling unheard.
Tip: Before jumping in, pause and ask: “Is this for me, or for them?” If it still feels worth sharing, try anchoring it first in their story: “That really resonates. Would it be helpful to hear something similar I experienced, or can I just ask more questions?” A small check-in like that can make all the difference.
A Quick Note on Neurodivergence
As someone who’s neurodivergent, I also want to name that some of these habits can show up differently depending on how our brains work. Rehearsing might be a survival strategy in fast-moving meetings. Identifying might be a way to express empathy when naming emotions directly doesn’t come easily. And placating can sometimes come from a place of overwhelm or uncertainty, not disengagement.
Barriers to effective listening aren’t one-size-fits-all, and that’s okay. When teams create space to talk about how we process, communicate, and experience things differently, we open the door to deeper understanding and more thoughtful collaboration.
So now what?
You’re not always going to get it right. I don’t either.
But naming these barriers—and choosing even one new habit to try—is a powerful first step. Real listening builds trust. It creates space for truth. And it helps people feel like they belong, not like they’re performing.
Want to go deeper with your team?
These are the exact kinds of conversations we hold space for in our Inclusive Communication Workshop, a hands-on session that helps teams build trust, deepen understanding, and navigate differences with intention and practice better ways.
In team spaces, especially when things feel full or fragile, real listening is powerful. It builds trust, creates room for truth, and helps people feel like they actually belong, not just like they’re sitting through another meeting.
And if your team could use a reset or support in practicing deeper listening, our thoughtful facilitator, Bradley, leads a great communications workshop. Reach out—we’d love to share more.
Robynne
Still practicing. Still showing up. And still occasionally interrupting…
About Post Author
